A self-portrait of Depression | Jenn Terrell, Artist

This self-portrait of me was accepted on Vogue Italia online today. 💖This is the first self-portrait they have accepted from me and it is easily one of my darkest. Looking at this photograph takes me back to where I was and how I felt when I took it.

I labeled the photograph “How I felt today 7.19.2019” when I saved it on my computer. Months earlier I had moved to New York and things were not good. I experienced the deepest, darkest depression I had ever known. I am typically such a happy and optimistic person so this was very odd for me.

Those big circles under my eyes were from lack of sleep and not eating. I couldn't sleep even though I tried so hard and I had so much anxiety that the thought of food made me sick. I lost 40 Ibs in four months. I cried every day on the phone to my family and friends. I cried in my room. I cried walking down the street. I cried in the subway on the way home from sessions. I just could not stop crying. Before this, I had maybe cried once in a year.

I could put on a good face while working with others and I could still photograph normally when I had sessions. That was the one part of me that was consistent. My work is always the most important thing. That part will never leave me.

I wanted to be creative for myself but I just couldn’t. Doing my own personal projects really helps me but I like to photograph people. I didn’t have the energy or the will to speak to anyone else outside of sessions but I was itching to do something. Anything photographic. So I decided I had to do something. I had to try. So I photographed myself. I am a person even though I felt like a shell of one. It did distract me for a little while. I was thinking about lighting and the technical aspects of creating a photograph in my apartment using only window light (my favorite). I wasn’t sure how I felt about the photographs at the time but I did know that it helped. I tucked this photo and a few others away as I tried to heal. I wanted to remember who I was when I was happy.

I tried therapy for a few months and that helped too. It helped me understand why I was dealing with everything now. It helped me understand how everything had accumulated and that it was time to deal with it and then let it go. When it comes to things like loss, trauma, and sexual assault, I think it is sometimes easier to tuck those things away then to actually deal with them. But for me it all caught up to me.

As one last desperate attempt to feel better, I decided to leave New York. I needed my own space, which is pretty much impossible in NYC. I had awesome roommates while I was there but I needed to heal in a place that was my own. I needed to sit with myself and deal with past traumas and losses so that I could let them go and move on.

Side note: New York is truly a city like no other. I love New York and I will always love New York but I do think sometimes things happen and it was just not the right time. New York changed me in ways I will never forget but I had to leave to have peace again. I miss New York every day and I am confident I will live there again one day. I still visit and book weddings & photoshoots there and I am so thankful for that 💕

Currently: I am back, ya’ll 🙌 I moved to Miami Beach a couple of months ago. I worked through my stuff while photographing lots of weddings and photoshoots. I am doing so awesome! No more crying, lots of sleep and a healthy amount of food. I have a home that feels like it is mine. As I sit here typing this, I am so thankful for the peacefulness I feel right now. My photography business is doing amazing. I am out here hustlin’ every single day and I love it. I get to photograph amazing people for a living 🥰🥰 I am so, so grateful. I have also incorporated a lot more traveling and destination weddings into my workflow. I have never been more excited about this 🙌

If you are going through it with depression or severe anxiety know you are not alone. It helped me to watch youtube videos about others going through it and to just read more about it so I could try and understand. Sometimes nothing helps and that is okay. Sometimes you just have to sit with it and let it pass. I did have good days in New York and great days too but the days that were down were just awful. They have to pass. Towards the end of my time in NYC I was feeling better. I was crying less but I still needed my own space. Do what works for you. Even if you have to try a few different things to figure it out. I always recommend therapy if possible. Sometimes it helps to have someone who will listen and help you sort out your thoughts, the behaviors of others and how those two things relate.

And THANK YOU to every person who was there for me through this. My poor friends listened to me pour my heart out for hours. I will always remember that 💕

Here are a few more (mostly unreleased) photos from that set: